


The Scent of Carnations Chokes Me

by LittleDevil98



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood and Gore, Break Up, Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Loosely based on epilogues, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, Not Beta Read, One-Sided Attraction, Rating May Change, Roxy uses they/them pronouns, all the ships come into play i swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:27:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28966824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleDevil98/pseuds/LittleDevil98
Summary: Your name is John Egbert and you have died more times in the last three years than you can remember. Life on Earth C was supposed to keep you away from deadly struggles. If only it could have kept away your heart too. There's no good reason why you should die for your best friend, Dave Stride, constantly. There is nothing heroic or just about it. Yet, you do. Because Dave Strider is the most important person in your life. Even if you aren't that person to him.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jake English/Dirk Strider, John Egbert/Dave Strider, John Egbert/Dirk Strider, John Egbert/Roxy Lalonde (past)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	The Scent of Carnations Chokes Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [That JohnDave server i'm in](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=That+JohnDave+server+i%27m+in).



> Y'know what I think everyone needs? JohnDave angst.
> 
> No this isn't Beta'd. No I didn't check for errors in grammar, spelling, continuity. We're dying with these mistakes lads.

Your eyes shoot open in panic when your senses come back to you. The cold tiles from the floor practically freeze your knees, making you shiver. Your fingers twitch from their place of once grasping the cool acrylic rim of the bathtub in front of you. Your parted lips feel cracked as you try to take in a breath; only to find a rasping in your throat. The inhale causes a grotesque noise, one usually heard from 60-year-old chain smokers who are hacking up a lung. The air that hits your windpipe is much too sharp. It reminds you of a time when Bec Noir managed to slice into your chest before you vanished with the wind. Looking down you see an array of red petals clumped together at the bottom of the tub. Keeping the petals together are mixes of mucus, phlegm, and what appears to be a thick red liquid. With curiosity egging you on, you dart out your tongue; swiping it against your lips. The hints of iron hit your tastebuds in a hauntingly familiar way. The action seems to serve you well, however, as it brings back what happened moments before. A story on Instagram Live, a message from a dear friend, bile in your throat, and a rush to the bathroom. Everything leading up to you expunging the dreaded flowers that clogged your insides into a tub until the world turned black.

Your name is John Egbert. And today is the third time you’ve died within the last month.

Normally the revival processed had the ability to clear up any unwanted wounds. There was little point to being immortal if you woke up without a limb after all. You knew for a fact that you would quite literally be half the man you are today if ascending to God Tier hadn’t patched you up. Yet, there was always a trick to these things. The God Tier could only heal what wasn’t something the player held deep within them. It was why some of your friends had a scar or three. It was why in one timeline, Terezi remained blind. It was why you would always resurrect with a scratchy throat and trouble breathing. Immortality wasn’t going to save you from the blooming pits in your lungs. Because immortality had nothing to do with the ache in your heart. That in itself made you cringe. You weren’t supposed to be this kind of person; someone so wrapped up in their own emotions.

Once not long ago you were just a 13-year-old boy. A young man standing in your bedroom, alone. You had a tight-knit group of four. There was very little to indicate the adventure you went through at the time. There was even less to dictate the outcome of said adventure. After everything you had to face, you thought the future would look clearer. For a moment, it was. You were with your friends, living eternally in a world that you all created. There were those brief years between 16 through 19 that gave you hope. You could smile with confidence; you could help your companions when things looked blue. You were a person who led others even when you were never sure where you were leading them to. A boy with a can-do attitude. You could face your issues with the drive to fix them. Now?

Now you are a 22 years old man. A young man keeling over his bathtub, alone. Your friend group expanded from four to thirteen but the closeness wearied away. You can count the number of times you have seen them this year with two hands. Sure, their faces are plastered all over the news and social media, but you hardly recall seeing them in person. You feel like it’s partially your fault. There was a time when they would reach out to you. In the beginning, you had always responded, even reached out yourself now and then. These were the people you went through everything with. You spent a good chunk of your teens just trying to find them. When you had the chance to be around them, you took it. It was fun while it all happened. Then you all grew older. The older you grew, the less time everyone had. For the most part that is. Your friends may have their adulthood lives but you were far less ambitious. You didn’t form a corporation or become responsible for the rebirth of the troll species. You can’t even remember the last time you left your house, honestly.

As time went on, your world view shifted. Making an effort to see your friends demanded too much planning. Somehow your energy to plan had dwindled. Then your energy to go anywhere at all went with it. Daily get-togethers turned monthly. Then you spent most of your time texting. Eventually, you were lucky to receive even that. Days became bleaker, so much so that you hardly opened up the curtains in your home. Little tasks piled up and your only solid company was the picture of you and your deceased father stuck on the fridge. Exactly where it was left. The only reason you managed to keep the place as clean as it was is that you can still hear your dad telling you that a man’s house is his pride. His house and his freshly shaved face. Not that you felt particularly prideful about either of those things, but someone had to keep the Egbert legacies going. It was all you had right now.

Wiping your lips with the back of your hand, you decide it’s best to get up. You can’t stay on the floor forever. It isn’t a very comfortable place to be. Now for the mess that you left. A grimace crosses your face as you clear your throat the best you can. The routine is fairly simple. Except you’re a little too tired to do it exactly as needed. Instead of finding a pair of gloves, you just reached down and grab the bloody clumps. They squish between the cracks of your fingers, coating your palm a deep burgundy. With little grace, you toss is the petals into the trash can. You make sure none of them hit the ground. Wiping blood off the floor is a pain, you learned. When they’re all inside the small plastic bag, you turn on the faucet of the tub. Water careens down, mixing with the left-over red. You run your hands under it, cleaning away what sullied them. You notice some of your blood had dried in the porcelain. You guess you were out for longer than you thought. Sighing, you go out into the hall with the plan to grab a household cleaner. Your plan is foiled by a knock at the front door. Then said door opened.

Quickly you run into the bathroom and turn off the faucet. There is only one person who walks in so unashamedly. You love her to pieces but now is truly not the best time. Lucky enough, you manage to shut the bathroom door just as her voice echoes through the house.

“John, were you about to shower? I can come back later!”

You might never get used to her canine senses.

“No, it’s cool! One sec!”

Rubbing your wet hands on your pants to dry them, you make your way down the stairs. There in the living room is your once good friend and sister, Jade Harley. Her ears perk up at the sight of you, her tail swishing behind her. She opens her arms up in an expectant hug which you do not hesitate to give her. “It’s been so long!” She chirps. You make a noise that sounds like you’re agreeing. She isn’t wrong. The last time you saw her was back at the beginning of the year. The unhappy curl of your gut nearly makes you say she should have made more of an effort to see you. You crush that down because you weren’t making an effort either. After so many ‘no’s’ to her invitations in the past, you can’t blame her for not trying anymore. Even so, she hugs you tight just like always. Jade never stops loving the ones she cares for.

When the hug ends, she beams up at you, “God. You have no idea how much I missed getting actual hugs. No offense to Strilondes but they aren’t good at this stuff. Unless we’re talking about Roxy. That not-girl can give the best of hugs.”

You nod your head, “Yeah, that’s how they are. That where you’re coming from? Roxy and Calliope’s place?”

Jade’s smile falters slightly, “Um. Not exactly…I was kinda on my way to visit Karkat and Dave. Y’know until the whole thing on Instagram was posted. Thought they might want some privacy.”

The air around you is practically sucked out of the room. Your throat begins to itch and you have to stop yourself from the cough that’s clawing at the tissue inside. It’s nearly pathetic. You’re the Heir of Breath. So fucking _breathe._ Jade tilts her head at your silence. You can see her eyes darting from top to bottom, scanning for an answer. It becomes even harder to take a breath. Paranoia eats away at you. It looks like she finds her answer because soon her ears are flattened against her head. Your head throbs. She knows. _She knows._

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up Roxy. I thought you guys were cool now,” She looks away from you. Your nose decides to allow some oxygen in. You thank whatever God Tier Vriska out there lent you her luck. Concerns about your ex, you could handle. You worked things out with Roxy long ago. It was easy to assume you hadn’t, considering you don’t speak to them anymore. But you hardly speak to anyone anymore. You let out a small chuckle, “It’s cool. We’re cool – I mean.”

Jade raises a brow in skepticism. This visit wasn’t about your old flame, though. You didn’t want her to try and keep digging. It occurs to you that Jade may not be doing so well right now either. Her history with those two boys is complicated too. You just hope she isn’t in your exact place. “So, you couldn’t hang with your best guys and decided to come see me instead? Cold-blooded, Jade. I’m hurt,” You touch a hand to your chest. She narrows her eyes before giving you a playful shove.

“No! That’s not it, dork!” She quips. You mimic her questioning look from before. She rolls her eyes but the swishing of her tail gives you the truth. You would be hurt too if you didn’t understand. If your connection to her topic didn’t hit so close, you would have been annoyed. Maybe you are a little annoyed. You don’t particularly like being a second choice no matter the situation, nor do you like only being used to vent. But this is your sister and she needs you. You would be lying if you said you wanted to be alone right now either. Instead of calling her out, you reach up to pat her head.

“Wanna watch a movie?”

Her lips quirk up into a grin again. That is all the confirmation you need. You give her the remote to your television before scampering to the kitchen. You open up the pantry, noticing how nearly baren it is. The cupboard once filled with instant cake mixes, spices, and snacks was now down to a few cups of instant ramen and a box of instant popcorn. Going outside for grocery shopping is no excuse when you have not only billions of dollars to spare but also an alchemiser at the ready. Oh well. You figure you’ll get to it eventually. For now, you grab two bags of instant popcorn and put them in the microwave. The humming goes along with the music from whatever company logo is playing in the living room. You take the minutes to ground yourself. You are alive again with Jade. You are going to enjoy your time together. You open your eyes when the beeping stops and the scent of popped kernels fills your lungs. Your stomach growls. You are hungry.

Going back to the living room, you take your seat next to Jade who already made herself at home. There is something off about her. She moves her head slowly, glancing around the room, her nose twitching as if determining what she smells. You nudge her to bring her out of the little hunt. The screen plays some new age troll movie that you have yet to see. Not that you don’t like these types of movies, they’re just a little hard to keep up with depending on the genre. There are always a few subplots that revolved around the ever-elusive quadrants. Frankly, you have a difficult time determining which character is supposed to fill each role in the protagonist’s life. It didn’t matter how many times you tried to understand troll romance, you simply can’t. Even if your weird thing with Terezi said otherwise. Jade, however, could follow along perfectly. She is very well versed in all kinds of romance. Which you guess is just a good way of saying that she got around. Always moving from one relationship to the next. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing so long as she’s happy that way.

The face she’s making when the two matesprits/kismesis tells you she might not be. Her tail curls up around her lap. You don’t know if you should ask. You don’t particularly want to. Not when you know talking about him is only going to aggravate your condition. Unfortunately for you, she decides to bring it up herself. “They’re really gonna go for it, huh?” Her voice is soft. You know exactly what she means. You saw the story; you received the texts. A headline of the year that shoved out any news from the latest presidential campaign.

**_Earth C Creators, Dave Strider and Karkat Vantas Engaged!_ **

What would have been a baseless rumor was confirmed through a nearly dead group chat.

**TG: well shit**

**TG: surprise**

You don’t know what anyone else said after that. You were much too busy choking on flowers and dying in the bathroom to read the rest. You aren’t even sure where you left your phone. The memory in itself brings a jabbing sensation at your ribs. There is a stutter in your breath when you try to find the right thing to say.

“Guess so,” Is what you manage.

Jade shifts in place, “Well…good for them! About time more of us got hitched.”

Your shoulders slump. She seems to be taking it pretty well. That’s just who she is. Jade Harley, the girl who does everything for her friends. You can’t take it at face value though because she wouldn’t be here right now if things were okay. She wouldn’t be seeking the comfort of her brother if she were fine. So, you steel yourself. The ache in your own heart can wait for a moment. “It’s kinda weird that they didn’t tell you first,” You mumble, “You’re usually with them a lot.”

She looks down at the floor, taking an interest in the simple pattern of the carpet. Her fingers twiddle absentmindedly. You hear her sigh lightly.

“Not really. I mean, yeah, I used to be. Practically lived with them but – um…things got weird.”

“Because you were trying to get with both of them?” You try to joke, remembering her old quest.

She narrows her eyes at you, “No – okay, listen, you can’t blame me! They’re hot.”

You snicker then let her continue.

“It was different when they were doing their whole ‘we’re just friends’ thing. I could drop hints and flirt all I wanted. I didn’t think they were gonna freak out when I told them what I wanted. I didn’t think it would y’know, push them into the obvious. And it _was_ obvious. Didn’t think anyone needed a third party to realize ‘Hey, I’m actually totally in love with this guy I’ve been _living with for three years_ and don’t want to share him,’” She huffs. Her incisors peek through her lips as a low growl rumble through her. You grimace at the sound and at her predicament. You can only begin to imagine what direct rejection would have done to you.

“That’s not even the thing that bugs me though!”

Your eyes widen in surprise.

“I’m happy for them – I am. I moved on. Just…they started being official and it’s like they don’t care about me anymore. Yeah, it was cool at first. The whole honeymoon phase but,” She grits her teeth, “If I don’t bug them, they don’t talk to me. I can’t even bug them all the time now since I don’t know when they’re doing couple stuff. Now they’re getting married and…it feels like I lost my friends. More than I already have…”

A swell of tar bubbles inside your head. Your situations are not exact, but you can sympathize with her. You know what it’s like to feel cast aside. Everyone has become so engrossed in individualism that you’ve all faltered as a group. Some still have those which they hold on to. Kanaya and Rose, Roxy and Calliope. For Jade, it was Dave and Karkat. You had them all once only for them to slip away. While you had years to deal with losing everyone, it must be so sudden for her. She must feel so abandoned. Resembling the Jade from your original timeline after her breakup with Davesprite. That’s why she’s been flitting between people more than usual. She’s trying to find a new place to belong.

You bring her into a hug, “It’s gonna be okay.”

It had to be.

“This is Karkat and Dave we’re talking about. They’re busy being all gay now but I bet you’re gonna be one of their best man – best lady?”

She snorts at your words. Her smile slowly comes back and she returns the hug. “I better be. They wouldn’t leave their dumb hive if it wasn’t for me,” She jeers. With that, the two of you settle back to the forgotten movie. The once confusing plot is now completely lost to you. That doesn’t matter though because, for the first time in months, you are in the comforting presence of a friend.

When the movie ends, Jade decides it’s time for her to be off again. It isn’t because she’s bored, she assures you. It’s because there’s kind of a funky smell to your house that’s driving her nose insane. She leaves you after one more hug.

You still have a bag of bloody petals and a stained tub.

Begrudgingly, you go back upstairs to the bathroom. The odor in there is much more pungent. None of you are strangers to this scent. You are sure Jade, with her heightened abilities, knew what it was. You don’t know why she didn’t ask but you’re grateful for it. Cleaning the stains takes longer now. The rusted smell is replaced with chemicals that burn your nostrils. You prefer it much more than the scratching when trying to take in normal oxygen. Once the tub is clear, you move on to seal the garbage. You make sure to wrap it in several other bags just in case. Your salamander neighbors aren’t nosy, but you don’t want anyone to see what is inside.

With it taken care of, you trudge to your room and flop down on the bed. You feel an item underneath you and wiggle your arm under your back to retrieve it. It’s your phone. The screen displaying several new notifications. Most of them are from the group chat. Others are from news apps and social media. A few who’s ID stuck out. The ones from one of the men of the hour. The handle that caused both butterflies and cuts to be birthed in your guts.

**turntechGodhead**

The actual bulk of those messages are cut off. You can’t bring yourself to swipe to them. You may not be speaking in person, but you can’t find the strength to communicate with Dave at all. Not with a new onslaught of coughs forces their way out of you. Everything you held back with Jade bursting its way forward. You wheeze as a new set of petals clogs up your airways. Your throat constricts itself to push out the offending flowers. Your sit up, folding yourself down to spit them out. Your streak of luck continues when they land in your palm. These ones aren’t bloody, nor are they glued together. It seems that your revival managed to make this less severe. Though, you know it’s only a matter of time before it worsens once more.

You close your eyes to steady yourself. The room becomes so cold. You shiver, climbing under the covers to escape the wind you are no doubt causing. Shutting your eyes tighter, you think back to Jade. She is being incredibly strong through this. You wish you could be more like her. You want to have that capability to move on from a love that isn’t yours. You thought you did after your breakup with Roxy. This proved you wrong. You want to be able to stop it and given your retcon powers, you technically can. Except you aren’t quite sure how. You can never pinpoint that exact moment. Not even after over two years of continuous death.

When did you fall in love with Dave Strider?

You know it can’t be a recent development. That would require being around Dave for it to happen. It had to go back further. Only you can’t tell when. Up until you started hacking up your own garden, you had no idea this was even the case. Dave was never the person you pined after; he was your friend. Your best friend sure but that was all. You can’t recall wanting anything more than that. You joked around when you were younger but those were jokes. Weren’t they?

To you they were.

Dave was the guy you connected with more within your initial friend group. You were the only boys; it was natural that you got along. Soon enough you became comfortable around him. You pestered each other for hours. You confided in him just as he did with you. That wasn’t grounds for romance though. Otherwise, that meant you should have a crush on virtually all your friends.

You chew your lower lip then think back to those friendships too. Rose, Vriska, Roxy, Terezi - if you’re honest with yourself, the bare minimum is all it took for you to develop a weird fling with them. They were each vastly different ranging from short flirtations to one actual relationship. The only difference between them and Dave was that most of them were girls. Or at least feminine presenting when you met them. It makes you wonder. If Dave had been a girl, would things have been different?

Was it because Dave is a boy that you’re struggling to understand why you feel this way?

Then again, it was _because_ Dave is a boy that you were able to become his best friend.

Your head begins to hurt. It always does whenever you think about what lead you here. Each time, the answer becomes slightly less muddy. Which you guess is some kind of prize. It would be a better prize if it didn’t come with worsening health. This doesn’t stop you, however, as you have a deep need to understand this. You think that if you can, you can solve it somehow. Back to your friendship with Dave you go. You dig into the space in your head to find what could have brought you to this point.

Dave is a boy and that is what started your initial bond. You could talk about stupid shit that the girls found a little odd. You took so much of your life getting to know him. You were the first to learn about his Bro’s ‘job.’ You knew more about his home life than either Rose or Jade did when you were young. You never understood his irony but you managed to be the first to make him break stoicism with your shenanigans. He messaged you almost constantly. He was the one to make sure his birthday gifts to you reached you before anyone else’s. Talking to him made you smile. You two had big plans of meeting in person someday. Back then you knew seeing him would be the best day of your life.

You were right. Meeting him on Jake’s dead planet was a moment you never forgot. You were beyond elated to see everyone, but Dave’s presence was what made it complete. Neither of you hid how happy you were to be together in person. While you all walked as a group, you stuck together like glue. You spoke so casually, like being with him was natural. His ramblings were slightly more bearable in person. When you cracked a joke, you could see the corner of his lips twitch up. You could have stayed like that forever. But the moment was ruined by your enemies. The timeline needed to be erased in order to win. To make sure that you could all survive.

Your retcon powers came to play and the next time you were able to have a real conversation, it wasn’t the same. Dave wasn’t the same. By all means, he certainly was still your old best friend. The same guy you spent your childhood with making shitty jpeg art with. He just wasn’t the Dave you went through everything with. No one on the lilypad was, besides Roxy. This Dave had new experiences, ones that shocked you. You expected the chat with him to be like the one before. Casualty but with sprinkles of joy from seeing each other. It started out that way, with a little jab on how you saved everyone’s life. You gave a sweet fist bump to him then he had to force Karkat to give one too. That’s what stuck out to you.

On Jake’s planet, Dave and Karkat were on good terms. You wouldn’t say they were particularly close though. Not with the whole Terezi thing between them. The two in front of you, on the other hand, clear friends. You supposed you didn’t mind it as long as you could reconnect with your best friend. Instead, you received an uncomfortable lecture. One about sexualities being hidden underneath flirtatious jokes made with friends. How some people buried who they were under piles of humor. At the time, you were quite surprised. At your young age, you foolishly believed that changing the timeline had turned Dave around into the rainbow spectrum. Your concern about it grew worse when you recognized that Dave’s relationship with Karkat was beyond platonic. When you asked as much, Karkat denied it entirely. That sent some relief into you.

Dave had made an intriguing point on that pad. One that you were too stuck in yourself to fully grasp. People tend to stow away parts of themselves they aren’t ready to accept. Only in retrospect did it occur to them that the things they did were to further conceal it. Which is what made your late teens that much more confusing.

You recall constantly saying that you ‘aren’t a homosexual.’

You told practically everyone you met that. When the guy trolls hit on you, you turned them down. On Earth C, some men would try their luck only for you to deny them. Dudes weren’t your thing. Then you began to date Roxy.

It came to no one’s surprise. You two were the only ones from your original timeline. You had that magical moment in LOWAS. Roxy was incredibly kind, attractive, and forward. You fell for Roxy the minute you met. It was only a matter of time before you became official. 17 years old and filled with adoration for the most amazing girl. Things took a sharp turn at 18 when Roxy came out to you in private. For some time, Roxy struggled to tell you about their inner conflict with gender. You didn’t blame them. When your partner swears up and down that they’re straight, anyone would be nervous. When they told you, you didn’t know what to think. You always had a thing for girls. Roxy was very much not that. You understood one thing though, it didn’t change how you felt about them.

You continued dating; even encouraging them to try out new styles that fit what they were going for. While it took some time to adjust, you realized that you indeed are kind of gay.

It was around that time that hanging with Dave became more difficult. The way Dave and Karkat danced around each other left you uneasy. You rarely had time with your best friend alone because Karkat would usually tag along. And if both of them were there, you can bet Jade joined the party. You didn’t like seeing how close Dave was with those two. Initially, you brushed it off as some form of mild annoyance. A guy just wants to have some time with his best bro. You didn’t want to tell him that though. You didn’t want any of your friends to feel bad when they weren’t doing anything wrong. Hell, you could still lie to yourself with that excuse.

You could, if not for what happened later. You stopped trying to be around Dave when having one-on-one time was no longer feasible. Thus began the drift between you that strengthened his ties with Jade and Karkat. The less time spent with Dave, the more time you had with the rest. You figured that’s how it worked.

It didn’t.

Without Dave in your life, you spent even less time with your group. It didn’t help that they were well on their ways to parting too. Your relationship with Roxy weakened. You were too tired for dates, for get-togethers, for calls. They became rightfully upset with you. When you didn’t try to make things right, they ended it. Which only pushed you further into a recluse. In turn, the color from your planet drained and the air tasted stale. Not that anyone else thought the same, of course.

When you think about it now, it all made more sense. You love Jade and Karkat to no ends. You don’t wish for any malice against them. But their constant circles around Dave had made you agitated. No. They made you jealous. Jealous that despite you being the so-called best friend, they were with him more than you were. They had several years together and learned about the new Dave. Suddenly they were the ones who knew more about him than you ever did. That stung you more than you thought. You knew everyone was changing but you didn’t think you would ever part from him. That this timeline would be so happy yet so dim. It was almost pitiful the way it turned out; and not in the way trolls experience pity.

The real kicker was the day _this_ started.

You wish it wasn’t so vivid to you.

* * *

You’re there again - at some park that was perfectly created between every kingdom. You and Roxy had been broken up for a few months. Rose was worried about how Roxy described the parting. She knew Roxy would be fine, they’re incredibly resilient. You, however, locked yourself away in your home. She comes to the idea that you need to get out more. It’s a little hypocritical considering she is only ever home or helping her wife with the Mother Grub. She manages to convince not only you but Kanaya, Dave, Jake, Karkat, and Jane as well. Jade was invited but didn’t show. You find it strange that she didn’t. Jade loves being around people. The reason why she hadn’t would reveal itself to you.

It’s supposed to be a day where your friends help clear your mind of an old love. You assume that entails no talk of relationships. For a majority of the time, it was. You couldn’t help but notice though, how Dave and Karkat interacted. They stuck closer now; no more of that 5-feet-apart nonsense they’d do in public. They were straight-up shoulder to shoulder. The blonde’s features were less tense now. He looks at peace. His troll companion was still very much shouty, only less guarded. There’s an odd burning in your chest. You see their hands brush together and Dave takes the moment to intertwine them. Your throat becomes itchy. Actions like that continue.

It isn’t until much later that Jake brings it to the group’s attention.

“What’s going on here, lads? You’re awfully chummy right now,” His words would come off as a tease if he weren’t so genuinely intrigued.

Karkat’s gray skin lights up red and he tries to dislodge himself from Dave who pulls him back. He squirms in Dave’s hold, looking away from the serene smile Kanaya is giving him. Dave practically tucks Karkat under his chin, as pleased smirk on his face. “It’s exactly what it looks like,” He says, “Wrangled myself my own troll.”

“DON’T TALK ABOUT ME LIKE I’M SOME SORT OF HOOFBEAST!”

“He’s got a little temper to him.”

“I’LL SHOW YOU TEMPER!”

“Love you too my alien boyfriend,” Then Dave plants a kiss on the top of Karkat’s head. The troll blushes brighter but stops fighting. He does mutter something about the slight xenophobic use of ‘alien boyfriend’ though. The others congratulate them on their relationship finally developing to matespritship. You stare at the new couple. Your skin prickles underneath the surface. They look happy. Dave is so happy. You can’t recall a time he ever looked that way around you.

The air is knocked out of you by an incoming cough.

You cover your mouth in etiquette. No one needs your germs flung at them. When it’s over, they are all looking at you. Their expressions range from concern to confusion. Jane passes you her water bottle, patting your back. Dave whistles lowly, “Sorry dude. Didn’t mean for gay power to override your healing. My bad.”

The off-timed joke normally would have gotten a chuckle out of you. Jane shoots Dave a dirty look then pats your back. Dave and Karkat dial themselves back, not wanting to stir up any emotions from your breakup. You wish that your ending with Roxy was the problem.

When you return home, you replay the same statements in your head. Dave is dating Karkat. Three years from the Lilypad and they were officially together. Just the two of them. In the time that you weren’t around, they managed to settle their attraction. Dave is dating Karkat. Without you, your best friend found a happiness you could never give him. They weren’t lying to themselves about only being friends. They weren’t avoiding the obvious. Dave is dating Karkat. You knew it would happen eventually. There is no way it wouldn’t. Not with that discussion when you first met. Dave is dating Karkat.

You gasp just a fit of coughs comes out of you. You think there’s something stuck inside your throat. You cough harder to get whatever is blocking your airways out. Something soft touches your tongue. You furrow your brows in confusion then use your tongue to push the offending object past your teeth.

A single red flower petal comes out.

* * *

You wish that had been the end of it. You remember thinking it was only an odd coincidence. People get random shit stuck in their throats all the time. It was a stupid denial process in all honesty, but you didn’t know what else to do. Back in your original world, humans didn’t throw up flowers. You guess, not unless they swallowed some for idiotic reasons. You are pretty sure trolls, prospitians, dersites, and salamanders don’t either. You ignored it for a few good weeks since it didn’t happen again. Until seeing posts online caught your eyes, that is. The images of Karkat and Dave living a domestic life together caused wave after wave of fits.

When your condition worsened, you took to the internet. There was no way you were magically spitting out full bulbs of flowers now. It couldn’t be a coincidence. Your aspect had nothing to do with plant life that you knew of. The internet did what it did best, providing several articles of information. Some were from sources that look questionable at best and others straight from some Tumblr fanblog. Either way, they all had the same basic details. The term Hanahaki Disease stared at you in every link you clicked.

A disease once only seen in fiction on Earth Pre-Scratch. Popularized by the Japanese BL community then mainstreamed in a manga from 2008. When Earth C came about, there were numerous accounts of the illness sprouting around. No pun intended. While rare, Hanahaki is found mostly through more complex species. Its symptoms range from mild cold-like symptoms to its most obvious. The excretion of flowers and/or flower petals through one’s mouth. The cause, if anything like its fictional origins, is love that goes unrequited. It sounds like complete bullshit. You wouldn’t believe it if it weren’t happening to you.

The cases are so spread out that there’s not enough research done on it. It’s not known why the disease is contracted by such few individuals. Only due to the knowledge given by fictional roots were doctors able to find a cure. With the technological advancement on the planet, surgeons can perform the extraction necessary to save a life. The catch is the loss of love for the person in question. In more severe cases, an entire memory wipe.

You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t thought about it before. You certainly have the money for it. Yet, you continued putting it off. There were two more cures after all. One, have the person return your love. Which in your case wasn’t going to happen. Two, you fall out of love. The latter sounds simple enough. You thought you could manage it. It’s not as if you were around the couple enough. If you placed even more space between you and them, you figured that what you will move on with time.

Needless to say, getting over someone isn’t that easy. You aren’t quite sure why. Not even your first break up hurt you this much. Now here you are – staving off the roots in your lungs because your best friend since childhood is engaged to someone who isn’t you. Your blanket sinks against your body like a stone. You know you can’t keep lying to yourself. You’ve died too many times to continue doing that.

The jokes, the nights together, the hours online, the elation of the first meeting, the disappointment on the Lilypad, the jealousy.

The reason that you let your body continue to succumb to drowning in your own blood.

You are, and always have been, in love with Dave Strider.

You rather die for the rest of eternity before you forget him.


End file.
